I know you have no idea about this, but I fancy you. We've been friends for a while, and you're being nice to me. We've texted a bit, and even had the occasional coffee together. I've been making an effort to look nice when I see you, and I've been looking at my phone about a hundred times a day just in case you've texted.
You see, I'm a single girl, and my dream in life is to be married, have a place to call home, and some children to fill it. I want to feel rooted, to know where I belong, and to have an outlet for all the love and motherly feelings God's built into me. But my goodness I can't admit that to ANYONE except my very closest single girl-friends! And it helps so much to share with another good single friend how painful it is to be single - how hard it is to constantly be happy for your friends who are getting married while hiding the ever-increasing pain of your loneliness so you don't appear selfish or complaining. If I try to tell my married friends how much I'd love to be married they often retort that my life must be wonderful because I am free to do whatever I want without a husband wanting to know how much I've spent at the shops, a baby waking me up in the middle of the night and a toddler throwing tantrums. Believe me, I've been watching them and I can see that having a family is hard hard work, but I still want it so much because coming home EVERY night to an empty house with nothing but the TV for company is not the bliss you think it would be but usually leads to a lot of crying!
And I definitely can't tell you, Single-Man-Who-I-Like, because you might put two and two together and realise I fancy you and that I want to be married, and this will cause you to go into a complete panic and avoid me completely for the next year. In doing this you are trying to communicate to me that you are NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN and only ever wanted me to be your friend, but that's not the message I get. No, when you vanish suddenly and mysteriously from my life with no explanation I am left feeling completely confused, hurt and mourning the loss of a good friendship. It will also leave me thinking there's something badly wrong with me and that no-one will ever want to be my husband. Not helpful!
So here I am, stamping down my heart's God-given dream, hiding my pain under a bright smile and some make-up, so that the truth of my feelings doesn't make YOU feel uncomfortable.
Why can't we be a bit more honest about all of this? I KNOW I'm not the only one who thinks like this - that's why I'm writing it in this blog! Why is it so wrong for a girl to admit to wanting a family when that's what God has designed us for? We're a confusing muddle of hormones, feelings, and emotions, but that actually makes us the exactly right design for complimenting your logical thinking, practicalities, and inability to deal with your emotions. It also makes us miraculously able to grow a baby inside us (I'd love to see you giving that a go!!), and to love and care for it and you at the same time.
I know you don't look like Brad Pitt and so you think no girl will ever fancy you, and you're struggling with your own lack of self-confidence in this modern world where us women can have jobs and drive cars and appear not to need you. That's all complete rubbish and don't believe it. I am full of admiration for your man-ness, your kindness, your faith, and the way you work hard and pursue your passion. I'd love to be your partner, to be loved by you as your equal, to share your life and to let you share mine, and to make a new life together and with God.
So, if you just want to be my friend and have no interest in the great honour it would be to be my husband, could you please just let me know early on in our friendship? I know it's cringy having to say "just friends, right?" But seriously, it will save a lot of pain and anguish later on.
With lots of love, hope, confusion and panic,
Your Single-Friend-Who-Fancies-You
PS To everyone else who's reading this too, please stop assuming us single girls have the life of Riley and are too selfish to give it up for marriage and a family. I know we might look great, and we've had a full night's sleep and there's no baby sick on our clothes, but the looking great is mostly a front because we're afraid to let anyone see our pain and loneliness. Please help us to understand the truth about marriage and family life so we don't think it's a utopia that will fix all of our problems. And please help us to be single well - encourage us to make the most of our freedom without making us feel bad about having it. If you do this, we will help you be married well. We'll babysit your kids, we'll come over for dinner and bring nice dessert and wash up afterwards. We'll meet you for coffee and listen to the grief of your struggles and pray for you, if you'll also listen to our pain and pray for us. And to our church family, please be our family rather than make us feel bad because we don't have a family. Please realise that weddings and baby baptisms/dedications break our hearts because we're scared that day will never come for us.
PPS In the interest of honesty, this letter is not directed at any particular person. I am not currently suffering from fancying someone (if I was I could NEVER write this publically for all the the reasons above), but I have suffered plenty in the past and I have plenty of lovely single friends who have and are suffering from this terrible condition. I have had so many conversations about this topic that I thought I should risk putting it on this blog in the hope of opening up some honest discussion about it. I'd welcome your comments, and if there's any man out there brave enough to write a reply to this letter, I think it could be really helpful for us to know what's going on in your head. And don't worry - I won't assume you fancy me!
Hi!
ReplyDeleteSo, I am single, male, and I wrote something similar to this once. Unfortunately, I can't remember when or where it was. Possibly in a private email, because, believe it or not, we too find it difficult to admit to anyone that we struggle with loneliness. The most recent thing I did put ‘out there’ about this is here: http://martinjflett.blogspot.com/2011/07/staying-single.html
I hear and feel your pain about being happy for friends getting married and settling down – I actually went as far as stopping going to weddings because a) they make me sad and b) if I don’t go to any, rather than just some, no one can feel offended, right?
And I totally relate to the coming home every night to an empty flat...
I don’t have any answers for you, my friend (if I may call you that?!). All I can say is it ain’t a barrel of laughs for us either...many times I’ve been that “single guy who is nice to ‘you’”, and trust me, most of the time I (we?) are wondering the exact same thing of ‘you’: are we just friends? Do you want more than that? Is it worth risking a great friendship for? Because girls who don’t want more than friendship tend to back off too through fear of giving the wrong impression.
Anyway, as this is just a comment, I should probably close. But if you do wanna chat further, you know where to find me...
From
A-man-brave-enough-to-reply-to-this-letter!
Thanks as always Steph, great post! I don't know whether I'm typical of the male species - not exactly top dog! - but I recall the feelings you describe, and perhaps at 19 rather melodramatically declaring to God that I was ok if his plan for me was to be single!
ReplyDeleteThen along came my wee lady, who at that point I wasn't interested in. I went away to pray for a day and started reciprocating the feelings but she nearly gave up :)
I don't know whether I'm that 'holy' now, whether today I would completely miss the signals and calling. Because blokes don't talk about this stuff much, I can't confirm the niggle in my head that many aren't praying enough to see a friend who could become a companion for life.
Really enjoyed this post steph! It refreshing to hear an honest account when so often we are all trying to save face and pretend to be immune to the whole thing, I know I do. Mr Moo the prayer thing i totally agree with too. had a great chat with my hairdresser the other day, as you do, who is a christian and she was telling me how she became a christian and that she had this sudden desire to go to church and think about God yet before she had never given it a second thought. The answer? there was a guy whose hair she cut who was praying for her, and he was telling people from church to pray for her too. It wasn't a 'romantic' ending but it was the best ending, that she came to know Jesus as her Saviour all through the power of prayer. It just reminded me that God really does hear our prayers whether it is praying in the loneliness, for the friend you might actually like, the situation in work or the unsaved family member. God hears and God answers, he is as much in control with those situations as he was when Joshua, Moses and Samuel all prayed asking God what should I do? As a single girl its so easy to come up with our own little ideas and situations but thank God that prayer works and that through time we end up praying in the way God sees is best for us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouraging and insightful comments! I'd love it if there could be an ongoing open conversation about this confusing and usually-avoided subject.
ReplyDeleteDear Single-Man-Who-I-Like actually brought tears to my eyes it hit so close to home. Steff you're the bravest lady I know, and I actually find it hard to believe there's a guy out there who deserves you, but please read on!
ReplyDeleteYes, smug married friends, please stop the 'God will bring along the perfect knight in shining armour before it's too late' rubbish. How exactly do you claim this inside line into God's plans to which we singles have no access?? Fact is, it could indeed be too late for us Bridget Joneses and we could indeed end up single and lonely with only cats for company for the rest of our lives, but if so, that's God's perfect plan for us, whether we understand it or not! (That's why He's God and we're just human.)
On the other hand, Steff, you'd make such a fantastic wife and mum I think God would be an idiot to let such an opportunity pass him by.
And finally, if Single-Man-Who-I-Like comes along again, for sanity's sake, bite the bullet, risk making a fool of yourself, face those moments/days/months of awkwardness and be as open and honest with him as you have been in your blog. Think of the worst that can happen if you don't say anything, and think of the best that can happen if you do.
CARPE DIEM, my friend!!!
Love,
Girl-Who-Normally-Takes-The-Cynical-Route-To-Hide-Her-Loneliness xx
Hi Stephanie
ReplyDeleteWow! That's quite a post. I think how you feel is typical of many single people.
Pain and loneliness are strong words, so I want to be careful how I respond. I do not want to belittle how you feel.
But I would want to ask:
"Were we created only to be someone's husband or wife?" Were Adam and Eve not created in the first instance for God, and then for each other?
Might feelings of pain and loneliness be diminished by reminding ourselves that we are alive to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever"?
Do we not sometimes place unrealistic expectations on other people when we look for our fulfilment and happiness in them?
David
P.S.
Your house is not empty- God is your husband and he's home every night :)
Call Single-Man-Who-I-Like's bluff early on every time. If he gets scared off, that's good! "Looooooser!"
Dont settle for any man. You seem gorgeous and Godly. Wait patiently :)
Not all Christian girls are as charitable as you. They DO want the Brad Pitt type!